Are you single? Feeling bad about yourself? Constantly finding yourself eating your way out of your emotions? Are you sad that you haven’t interacted w actual humans for quite some time? Don’t be, I’ve got exactly what you need to feel better!
Start off by thinking about 3 of the many, many miserable situations people in reltionships are put in:
Number 1: You’ll have to share your food with them.
I am not a very selfish person. Hell, if I could, I would share my kidney with my cat (don’t ask). But when it comes to food, there’s a spiritual level of attachment. If I see one finger move towards the last piece of pizza on the counter, I basically transform into that caveman spongebob meme. Like I go into protection mode REAL QUICK. And just imagining having to COOK for 2 people, SEEING the double batch of food in front of me and NOT EATING it whole, seems just impossible for me. And then there’s the times you’re feeling kinda hungry so you make yourself some fries, and, being the thoughtful person that you are, you ask them if they want any, they say no, and when they’re ready they’re like “Can I have some?” NO, YOU CAN’T HAVE ANY OF MY FRIES. YOU SAID YOU DIDN’T WANT ANY FRIES. GET YOUR OWN DAMN FRIES DAMMIT. So that’s a no-no for me.
Number 2: You’ll most probably have to clean up after them a lot, like they’re a fricken baby.
If there is one thing on this planet I have a love-hate relationship with, that’s cleaning. Like, sometimes I wanna get up and clean the whole house until everything sparkles like they show in cartoons, but that only if it’s my mess. You could throw a fricken grenade on the floor- i’m not pickin it up. Your hand threw it, your hand is picking it up. And if they make a mess in the whole room, they expect ME to clean it up?? HELL NO.
Number 3: you’ll probably have several fights over the TV
There are 2 things that I do: eat and watch TV. Seriously. And you’re asking me to share the 2 things I love?? HELL TO THE NAW. I mean, imagine. It’s a hot Monday afternoon. Wendy Williams’ show is on and she is P O P P I N G ! *how you doin?* And then comes the brat, asking for the remote to watch some stupid match that he could also watch online (i mean, you could too, BUT IT’S NOT THE SAME THING OKAY) , so you have to decide. Hmmm, which one do you choose? Wendy Williams saying “HOW YOU DOIN?” or some sweaty men fighting over a ball…Hmmmmmm
OH BUT THAT’S NOT ALL: you have to think of birthday gifts, actually SPEND MONEY ON THEM and all that stuff which is just a huge pain in the butt, and that’s only ONE occasion, then there’s Christmas, Easter, Valentine’s Day, Anniversaries, OH MY GOD. HOLY CRAP RELATIONHIPS ARE EXPENSIVE. And what even do you pay for? Uncomfortable conversations about the future? Awkward first impressions? THAT’S A BIG NO-NO FOR ME.
And if you still somehow feel bad about being single, here’s the answer:
The place. The myth. The candystore.
If you’re insecure about your love life, grab a shopping cart and shop your worries away! You’ll instantly fall in love with the unhealthily diverse candy aisle, and absolutely no one will judge you. And the best part is, it’s your life and your credit card, so you can get whatever the f you want!! YES, QUEEN! SLAYYYYY!!
In conclusion, single is the way to go.
Love ya. Cheers, bye x
P.S. : this obviously is a joke, but you can take it as serious as you’d like 😉